Waiting for early darkness

The single woman's prayer, because God likes a laugh, too

Dear God,

ok, ok, you're probably not impressed. All the talk about you being either unfair or not there at all, all of it based on the fact that I cannot get laid. While I'm sure that you appreciate how important getting laid is (hey, it wasn't me creating the universe), I reckon it might have been a bit blown out of proportion. Sorry about that.

This said, there's something wrong here. You were pretty clear on the subject "we were made for peace" and stuff. I do understand why that's not supposed to imply success all day, every day, but every once in a while? Please?

I don't have it in me to live in a monastery and contemplate your mysteries all day long. I don't even have it in me to throw myself into social work, let alone regular work, and forsake everything else. I want a guy, and not just any guy. I want THE ONE because I was born and raised in an overdramatic, exceptionally romantic time, thrown on top of an overdramatic, exceptionally romantic attitude. Then again that's not really my fault. You should take responsibility for space and time, as you should for the basic traits of my character. I really can't do much about it.

On the other hand, I should be held responsible for everything else, and that's where the problems start. I guess that going out and meeting people, as different from sitting at home reading, would be a good start. There must be a reason why you gave humanity one book as opposed to the forty-one or so I have read in the past year. Also, if I didn't only go out with people who are alternatively long-term friends, gay, women or any combination thereof it could maybe help.

Look, I'm even ready to put in extra effort. I'm sure that, being omniscient, you have a pretty good idea of how annoying it is to pluck your eyebrows daily, even if you were never incarnated as a woman. As for dressing up, I don't really think I can do that. It hurts. And, contrary to trying yet another tooth whitening treatment hoping it works for more than three weeks, it doesn't come with anaesthetic drugs. So please bear with me and send me a boyfriend even if I don't wear cocktail dresses. I'm being fair here, as I don't really require him to be all scrubbed out either. Clean, yes. Preppy, you forbid.

On to the second stage... well, I would say that if I even reach second stage with anyone I will start going to church regularly again, but that would be "tempting God" and the last thing I need is to get in another pickle over stuff you forbade, but we're all too stupid to understand why. So, Church aside: conversation-wise, I think I have the goods (thanks). I also realized that maybe some items of my repertoire are a bit weird. So ok, no mention of gangsta rap on a first date, and just very gentle hints of it on the second. You are witness to my solemn promise not to mention immigration policies ever again, unless explicitly asked in a very safe environment and possibly after the guy is hopelessly in love with me. And finally, there will be no quoting of Oriana Fallaci under any circumstance. Ever. So people will finally realize I'm not evil.

And if I have to be neurotic and play tough while listening to hip hop on my headphones, I will do in the privacy of the office restroom or something. Do I have your blessing? Or is this "being lukewarm" and therefore resulting in being vomited from your mouth on Judgment Day? Don't make it overly complicated. It's bad enough as it is.

Let's get to a particularly thorny issue. I know you put warning signs all over on the subject of not getting involved with attached people. Poor King David had to find out the hard way, and I suppose I should be thankful that things weren't so traumatic for me (although to be honest he got more sex than I ever did, which is not difficult at all, so there's some fairness). Ok, I got that, God. It's bad karma, especially if you're so lousy at keeping men around that you don't even have time for karma to hit you back after a few years.

I'm still not convinced that there's something inherently bad in presenting an alternative; what if it's a good alternative? Like honestly, thoroughly good and loving and compassionate? But I reckon I cannot really trust my perception very much on this. You win. And on a side note, doesn't it ever get boring, always winning? As if I could put up a match. Come on. I'm mortal. And single.

Finally, let's go back to the all-important initial issue of getting laid per se. You know I'm not exactly very confident on this, if only because men I like have a habit of going into "Oh no I didn't really mean that" mode whenever the occasion arises. And those who are keen on getting a result are often not to my liking. So please, give me the ability to handle this conundrum (appropriate, as per the Bloodhound Gang: "another fancy word for rubber"). Let men I meet understand that sex without love is not OK, and love without sex is not OK either. Boolean "and", no exceptions. Oh: if possible, everyone should want to have sex with me. Not too much of a long shot for you, given you're conversant with miracles. But honestly, I'll happily settle for the hiterto unknown ONE, I don't really need a large crowd.

There, I'm done. I'm going to be trying my best, but if you could give me a little prod I would be grateful.

Devotedly,

That Single Woman

Hello world

O readers.

Wait, there's no readers.

O future readers, then. I am, quite obviously, a single woman. And, considering that my 30th birthday was approximately 800 days ago, that's not funny. Except it somehow is, but just let me explain.

I spent the last year being unhappily unattached. Or rather, unhappily nostalgic about when I was, or thought I was, attached (more on that on the future). While trying to navigate the less-than-pleasant feelings that tend to go with this, I ended up reading tons of stuff. Books, papers, forums, good websites, bad websites. The latter are the majority, just so you know.

I thought all this knowledge would somehow result in getting a partner, but it didn't, if only because my ex didn't have a way of being aware of my newfound maturity and knowledge. No, I'm not serious about this. He is extremely aware and doesn't really care much. But let's not get sidetracked. Anyway, all of this stuff... well, I can share. So other singles can have a one-stop resource instead of wasting one year going around in circles. Which they will probably do anyway, but at least they'll get the crap websites out of the way.

So. Enjoy.